Monday, January 25, 2021

I Still Want to Give Hope

Stuart K. Hayashi

This creature represents change in life. As I had to learn all too well, not all change is good. But my future, and this creature's, is still up to me.


 

The drawing is of Stega, my prehistoric mutant fish that crawled onto land. I started this drawing on Dec. 11, 2020, and added the final Microsoft Paint touches on Jan. 21, 2021. I had intended for this posting to be one of triumph. I first uploaded onto Instagram a drawing of this character on May 13, 2017. Starting there, I have uploaded what I consider to be nine major fancy drawings of this character, including this latest one. I was happy in that this drawing comes the closest so far in having the character look as I intend.

But this drawing has become a chronology of my grief and guilt.

A week after I started this — Dec. 18 — someone very  important to me had injured her back. I helped her take care of someone else important to us, but I did so grudgingly. She saw this drawing in its early stage of shading (first coating). On Jan. 11, I felt proud that this drawing was almost finished. I took the selfie directly below to capture my feeling of triumph. Hours later on Jan. 12 I found her dead. I was even wearing the same grayish green shirt as in the picture. 




On Jan. 16 (below), I decided to finish this drawing and upload it.





I don't want this drawing to be about my grief; I want it to fulfill its original purpose. I want it to be happy and cute and represent those feelings. It is as if my world has ended. But I want to promise you that I still want to find ways that I may be able to give some hope in this world. 

This fish walking on land represents renewal and change in life. As I experienced all too directly, not all change in life is for the best. But I maintain that my future is still up to me. I want to persevere, just as that important mutant fish did millions of years ago.