I have written of this previously (1, 2).
When we last spoke over the phone, you kept saying, “I . . . chaaanged.” Every repetition of that had followed the same pattern. You said I, followed by a long pause, and then you moaned chaaanged. The way you had said that was something that had brought tears to my eyes, as “change” is exactly what you did not do. All of the self-destructiveness of your prior years, of which you informed me, you had retained even then. And putting on a show as some sort of success in career and at life is not going to alter that. I want to implore you about a genuine change, a meaningful one.
Yes, it’s good that you seem more comfortable with your great height. It’s good that you no longer upload pictures of yourself that are photoshopped to make you resemble a dead body with a chalky white face. Now, for those who may not have met you face-to-face, you have become insistent on announcing your tallness, and you stress that you climb mountains.
By themselves, those traits would be fine. But more vital than being tall is being true. By that, I mean that you would be best off by dropping the front. When you spent two years trying to look like a dead body it was horribly unflattering, but there is one respect in which it was better: some part of you understood the importance of letting those around you know some inkling of the inner despair from your domestic trauma, and of the need for help. The more-recent try-hard attempts to convey that everything is fine are an even flimsier disguise.
As you mention your height, people look up to you physically. They can look up to you spiritually as well, should you take control of your psyche and mind and emotions with the help that is needed. Have courage. Have the courage to shed, legally, the name of the patriarch who facilitated so much abuse, and the maiden name of a paternal grandmother who knew of similar abuse a generation earlier and opted to “look away.” Have the courage to cut out of your life and social media those who have, and still do, reinforce the morbid gestures, as have Corpse Guy, his sister-in-law, and brother. Have the courage to embrace the proper psychiatric diagnosis by which you can help yourself.
The real mountain to climb is the one whose peak is genuine happiness and the mental health that is its prerequisite: the happiness and mental health that are achievable for you in the end, if only you choose them.
Be tall, yes. But more than that, finally be true. That is what I want for you. And I know that — more importantly — somewhere deep down you want that for yourself as well.
